Thursday, November 30, 2006

Schedules, Questions and Growing Up......

Ever since I was a little girl, "planning" has been very important to me. I'm a scheduler! I schedule everything! You know, I had always planned to graduate from college by the time I was 21, have the perfect job immediately, married around 23, buy our first house around the age of 24, kids by the time we were 25.... you understand.....

Well, needless to say, things have not gone as planned. I didn't graduate college until I was 23, still don't know if I have the perfect job, marriage had to wait until we were 27, which means we haven't even thought (well, can't say thought) about kids yet and we are still paying rent (but hoping that may change when this apartment lease is up). As you can guess, for a planner, this is not ideal.

Why do we have these ideals when we are younger? Where do these timelines come from? I certainly know that my family did not impress these timelines upon me. I wonder if my sister ever "scheduled" things like this (although she and I can be like black and white, so probably not).

I have a job that I really like, not sure if it is quite love or not. But, I have questions all the time as to whether or not this is what I am meant to do in life. I work at the St. Louis City Department of Health in the HIV/STD/Hepatitis Services Department. Most of my job deals with HIV~ testing, giving results, educational presentations in the community, monitoring where our prevention grant money goes..... I love giving presentations and interacting with the community. I love the feeling of 'maybe I just made a difference in someone's life'. I love thinking that the presentation I just gave could have changed someone's mind on risky behaviors. I can do without the fiscal issues, but that will never end. I just don't know if this is the job or field for me. Sometimes I think about teaching, sometimes I think about photography, but it is as if I am too scared to try something new. I feel old (even though I know I am not). I think the "old" feeling goes back to my schedule- I AM SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO BY NOW! Aren't I?

The idea of teaching is appealing to me in the same respects as my current job..... helping youth, making a difference in lives, educating. But then I think "oh, what grade or subject would I teach? Do I really want to go back to school for education?" I just feel kinda lost for a 28 year old. People tell me to think about my passions. I LOVE taking pictures. Have no idea if I have any talent, but I love it. I could take pictures all day long. Why, then, have I not taken a photography class to find out if I could go anywhere with it? Something is holding me back. I chalk it up to fear.

Anyway..... just my rant for the day.
Oh, did I mention that the City let us off work early today? We were allowed to leave work at 2:00pm due to weather. That is one schedule change I can handle!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Thanksgiving is normally one of my most favorite days of the year. I absolutely ADORE going to my grandparents at 9:00am and just hanging out, laughing and eating with my family all day long. I was not, however, looking forward to this particular Thanksgiving as much as I normally do. Of course, I was still so excited to go home and see my family, but... one person would be missing. Most of you know that my dear Grandpa passed away in August. I think the whole approaching holiday was bittersweet for all of us. Of course, we were not looking forward to spending the day without Grandpa, but at the same time, we can rejoice in the fact that Grandpa was celebrating his first Thanksgiving in Heaven.

We all met at Grandma's, just like we usually do. Everything went pretty well, considering. I know each of us had our moments. My first pang of sadness was when I walked in the back door. Normally one of the first things I would do is give Grandma and Grandpa a hug. The next difficult moment was during the prayer, before our meal. I could name a few more that stick out in my mind, but you get the picture- it was just hard!

Luckily, I have the most amazing family. Seriously, I know that I am SO blessed to be apart of such a close-knit, caring family. Even Keith has commented on how close we are! He noticed it right off the bat, when he met everyone over 9 years ago. He said he doesn't know if he has ever seen a family as close as we are. Not a day goes by that I don't email my mom, grandma, sister and aunts. We are so fortunate to be able to share little details of our every day lives. Grandpa wanted it that way. Family was the most important thing to him.
Then there is my Grandma. I can't even begin to describe how wonderful this woman is. She is so strong and vulnerable all at the same time. I can't imagine how hard this is on her, but I know that she is relying on God to get her through it. She always told me to keep God close to me, to let Him walk beside me through life. She is living the advice she always gave me. It is such an inspiration.

I don't know... I guess what I am saying is this was the first Thanksgiving without my Grandpa. It was hard, but I know in my heart that he is in a better place. I am thankful for all the wonderful memories we were able to make. I am thankful for the fact that I got to spend so much time with my grandparents and hear all of their stories. I am thankful for the fact that I got to witness 28 of the 62 years my grandparents shared. For all of this, I will always be thankful......

Monday, November 20, 2006


So, this is my first blog posting. I hope I am dedicated enough to stick with it. Our wedding photographer, Valerie, blogs and I LOVE reading her entries. She has inspired me to give this a whirl. I was doing the myspace thing, but think this might be much more up my alley. I like to write, sometimes I don't think I have much to say, but other times I can go on and on forever.
What a great way to keep family and friends posted on what's going on (without having to tell the same story 8,000 times) or a place just to go when you need a release.

It'll probably take me a while to get my page the way I want it and learn the ins and outs of posting pictures and all that, but I'll get it.
Who knows? Maybe I will inspire someone the way Valerie has inspired me......

If anyone is interested in reading Val's blog.... her site it