Thursday, January 22, 2009

Not So Love-ly

Lately, I've been feeling convicted.

I'm not showing God's definition of love.
We've all heard the verse a thousand times. If you are like me, you can recite the verse, but you may not have ever dissected it. Really gotten to the meaning of it.

God is showing me that I need to.

I Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.

As I read this and focus on each and every word, all I can say is....
I have a long way to go.

I am ashamed to admit that I have been the exact opposite of all these things to a loved one recently. I have been impatient, unkind, envious, proud, rude, angry, holding grudges.

Isn't that sad? I haven't been showing love at all. To a person I say I love you to every day. It saddens my heart. I'm sure it saddens God's heart. And then, I wondered.... if I am not showing love, than am I truly loving? Sadly, I think the answer is no. How can I truly be loving someone when I am being impatient, unkind, rude, and angry? Sigh. A very sad sigh.

I don't know why I am this way. I do know that I want to change. I don't know why I try to change on my own. I do know that I can't do it on my own.

So, I am, with God's help, going to change.

I think the best way is to really internalize this verse. I'm going to take each description of love, one at a time, and pray on it. I'm going to make a conscious effort each day to live out that definition of love.

So, today, I will start from the beginning. Patience.

My prayer is that not only will I live out God's definition of love, but that my loved ones see and feel a difference in me.

More than anything, I want my family and friends to know, undoubtedly, that I have loved them the best that I can. So far, I don't think that I have been.

That is going to change. Starting now.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

A Nice Surprise

Keith's school was already cancelled for tomorrow!

I'm so excited. I think "snow days" are more exciting to me now, as a teacher's wife, then they were when I was a student.

Yay for cold weather!!! (quite the change from my earlier post, huh?)

My Oops of the Day

Since we are stuck in the house due to the frigid weather, I thought I would take the opportunity to catch up on laundry.

Mental note to self- ALWAYS check husband's pockets before I put his pants in the washer.

I washed his pedometer. The pedometer that the school gave him as part of a contest. The pedometer that he has been wearing for months, tracking his steps. The pedometer that, in April, potentially could have won him some money.

Maybe my mental note should be- Don't do laundry.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Just another day

I'm here.

We are here, stuck in the house. It is too cold to get Chloe out. Not that I have anything that absolutely must be done.

We usually get out of the house to break up our days, especially Tuesdays and Thursdays. Those are the days when I am with her by myself all day. Like today.

I'm ready for spring. Ready to play outside and go for walks in the park.

I think winter is beginning to get to me. I've just been blah.

This post is even blah.

I'll stop now before I bore you to death.

Friday, January 9, 2009

My Pity Party, Part Two


I am not done nursing Chloe.
My decision, not hers.

It's been a long week. The whole issue has been weighing on me. I felt broken, mind, body and spirit.
I wasn't really at peace with my decision to exclusively pump. It wasn't until a few people mentioned "nursing strike" that I decided to reconsider.

The past few days I've been devouring info on nursing strikes. I have come to the conclusion that is exactly what we were experiencing, especially because I believe she is teething again.

Pumping was wearing me down. Yesterday I was to the point of looking up the cost of formula and calculating how much we would need to budget for it. That's how bad it had gotten. I had an emotional breakdown when Keith got home last night.

And then I watched an episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8.

Yup, you read correctly. A TV show helped me make my decision. (See how beneficial TV can be?)

If you've seen the show, you may have noticed a t-shirt Jon wears, reading Isaiah 40:31. I've often wondered what verse that was, but never remembered to look it up.
Until last night.

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

I was doing all of this on my own strength. I wasn't asking God to renew my strength each day.

Last night I was thinking about that verse as it applied to pumping.
Today, I was thinking about that verse as it applied to nursing.

I am just not ready to be done. And, actually, I don't think Chloe is either.
We successfully nursed at 11:00 today! It was so sweet. She even pulled off at one point, looked up at me and smiled.

So, I will hope in the Lord. That His plans are for us to continue.
And, when we are done, I will know that I did all I could.

Monday, January 5, 2009

My Pity Party

I think I am done nursing Chloe.
Her decision. Not mine.

It started a few days after Christmas. I was getting ready to nurse her before bedtime and she would not latch on. There had been times before when she was fussy or disinterested, but this was different. She would not even turn to me and she was screaming bloody murder. She was so upset that she had tears flowing, which of course, made my own tears flow.
I had never experienced such a problem with nursing her. After about 20 minutes of attempting to calm her down and get her to nurse, Keith ended up feeding her a bottle. She took the bottle with no hesitation.

The next morning was a repeat of that night. A little less dramatic on her end, but refusal nonetheless. The past two weeks have been more of the same.

I didn't know what to do. I was so very upset. I still am a little bit. I felt like I had done something wrong. I couldn't understand why my baby suddenly didn't want to nurse.

So, after a lot of thinking, talking and praying, I think I am done nursing. I am still going to pump and continue to feed her breast milk for as long as my body will provide it. It is so much more of a pain though. Instead of just plopping her on, I now have to pump, clean the pump stuff, store the milk properly, prepare the bottle, clean the bottle. I completely respect women who choose to exclusively pump because believe me, it is WAY more work than breastfeeding. Plus, you don't get the same bond.

I am thankful that I was able to bf for 7 months though. I remember those first few days when I never thought I would make it for 2 weeks. A friend (who understands what I am going through and was trying to find a positive for me) told me that maybe it was good Chloe decided to wean herself. That probably is a good thing, I just had always imagined that I would know the last time I would nurse her and I could just cherish that time. But, I have many other times to cherish. I know that. It's still hard.

I had no idea when I started to bf that it would become what it did. It was such a bonding time for Chloe and I. It was something that only we shared. I'll miss that. I'm still struggling a little bit with the whole situation, but every day gets better.

Speaking of, I need to quit blogging and go pump.