Thursday, November 30, 2006

Schedules, Questions and Growing Up......

Ever since I was a little girl, "planning" has been very important to me. I'm a scheduler! I schedule everything! You know, I had always planned to graduate from college by the time I was 21, have the perfect job immediately, married around 23, buy our first house around the age of 24, kids by the time we were 25.... you understand.....

Well, needless to say, things have not gone as planned. I didn't graduate college until I was 23, still don't know if I have the perfect job, marriage had to wait until we were 27, which means we haven't even thought (well, can't say thought) about kids yet and we are still paying rent (but hoping that may change when this apartment lease is up). As you can guess, for a planner, this is not ideal.

Why do we have these ideals when we are younger? Where do these timelines come from? I certainly know that my family did not impress these timelines upon me. I wonder if my sister ever "scheduled" things like this (although she and I can be like black and white, so probably not).

I have a job that I really like, not sure if it is quite love or not. But, I have questions all the time as to whether or not this is what I am meant to do in life. I work at the St. Louis City Department of Health in the HIV/STD/Hepatitis Services Department. Most of my job deals with HIV~ testing, giving results, educational presentations in the community, monitoring where our prevention grant money goes..... I love giving presentations and interacting with the community. I love the feeling of 'maybe I just made a difference in someone's life'. I love thinking that the presentation I just gave could have changed someone's mind on risky behaviors. I can do without the fiscal issues, but that will never end. I just don't know if this is the job or field for me. Sometimes I think about teaching, sometimes I think about photography, but it is as if I am too scared to try something new. I feel old (even though I know I am not). I think the "old" feeling goes back to my schedule- I AM SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO BY NOW! Aren't I?

The idea of teaching is appealing to me in the same respects as my current job..... helping youth, making a difference in lives, educating. But then I think "oh, what grade or subject would I teach? Do I really want to go back to school for education?" I just feel kinda lost for a 28 year old. People tell me to think about my passions. I LOVE taking pictures. Have no idea if I have any talent, but I love it. I could take pictures all day long. Why, then, have I not taken a photography class to find out if I could go anywhere with it? Something is holding me back. I chalk it up to fear.

Anyway..... just my rant for the day.
Oh, did I mention that the City let us off work early today? We were allowed to leave work at 2:00pm due to weather. That is one schedule change I can handle!


Val, that's me said...

Corie, just follow your heart. That's what I did. xoxo

Val, that's me said...

P.S. You are not old. My cousin is in school right now. She is in her early 30's. She is going back for education. She sees it through the eyes of a mature woman now. I love hearing from her how different it is. She's really making the most of it and really savoring it. I know you would do the same.

(Just had to add that thought!)

Anonymous said...

Corie Rae,

I'm glad I'm not the only 28 year old who doesn't know what they want to be when they grow up. What are we looking for?


Anonymous said...

Corie, you should never get relaxed in what you are doing with your life....continue to dream and pursue all things. God has so many plans for you!

Do not fear, instead be enthusiastic about New Challenges!