Monday, January 5, 2009

My Pity Party

I think I am done nursing Chloe.
Her decision. Not mine.

It started a few days after Christmas. I was getting ready to nurse her before bedtime and she would not latch on. There had been times before when she was fussy or disinterested, but this was different. She would not even turn to me and she was screaming bloody murder. She was so upset that she had tears flowing, which of course, made my own tears flow.
I had never experienced such a problem with nursing her. After about 20 minutes of attempting to calm her down and get her to nurse, Keith ended up feeding her a bottle. She took the bottle with no hesitation.

The next morning was a repeat of that night. A little less dramatic on her end, but refusal nonetheless. The past two weeks have been more of the same.

I didn't know what to do. I was so very upset. I still am a little bit. I felt like I had done something wrong. I couldn't understand why my baby suddenly didn't want to nurse.

So, after a lot of thinking, talking and praying, I think I am done nursing. I am still going to pump and continue to feed her breast milk for as long as my body will provide it. It is so much more of a pain though. Instead of just plopping her on, I now have to pump, clean the pump stuff, store the milk properly, prepare the bottle, clean the bottle. I completely respect women who choose to exclusively pump because believe me, it is WAY more work than breastfeeding. Plus, you don't get the same bond.

I am thankful that I was able to bf for 7 months though. I remember those first few days when I never thought I would make it for 2 weeks. A friend (who understands what I am going through and was trying to find a positive for me) told me that maybe it was good Chloe decided to wean herself. That probably is a good thing, I just had always imagined that I would know the last time I would nurse her and I could just cherish that time. But, I have many other times to cherish. I know that. It's still hard.

I had no idea when I started to bf that it would become what it did. It was such a bonding time for Chloe and I. It was something that only we shared. I'll miss that. I'm still struggling a little bit with the whole situation, but every day gets better.

Speaking of, I need to quit blogging and go pump.


Sarah @ this Beautiful Mess said...

I'm sorry, Corie. That can't be easy. I think you're amazing to continue feeding her breastmilk. I don't think I'd be that dedicated, I'd probably go buy formula. So, don't feel bad, be proud of yourself that you did it and that basically you still are, since she's still getting your milk.

Have a good day.

Greta said...

Have you thought about it being a nursing strike? I'm sure you probably have - just wanted to throw that out there.

I totally understand wanting to know the last time you were going to nurse though. I had that exact same feeling :( and it is sad, but you're right, it does get better.

R.A.M. head on! said...

This is a very frustrating and hard time. At least you were able to do it for 7 months, your mom and sis were unable to.

I had to pump for the first six weeks, I could not bring Ry to the breast since he would suck my nipple right off. I am so proud of you for being able to do it, you are very strong willed so I truley believe you will do this as long as you think you need to. I am not as strong as you, I gave up, which I am at peace with, but still disappointing.

Keep up the good work! See ya Thursday!

Laura said...

I'm sorry that you're feeling so sad about all of this. One of my friends in VT had a self-weaning 7 month old too and she expressed feeling the same way that you do. They ended up deciding to use formula rather than pump the breast milk b/c Jen felt it was too time consuming on her part.

You're not alone on this! :-)

PS: I'm looking forward to nursing being over with. Trade ya?

Ang said...

Oh bless your heart..that must have been so hard. I struggle all the time with the 'obstacles' of my kids getting older. I am happy for them don't get me wrong and can't wait to see the adults they become, but I miss those little moments so much..They grow up so fast. ((hugs))

Lilypad Mom said...

I don't think you will ever really know when it will be the last time. We stopped nursing a month ago, Lillian was over 3. I don't know it would be the last time at the time, it was probably a good thing or I would have cried all the way through.

You have done a great job and I am very impressed by your dedication to keep pumping. But I also agree with Greta, it sounds like a nursing strike based on her age. Pumping will keep your supply up, she may latch on again after the strike is over if you do want to keep nursing.But no matter what, remember that you have done a wonderful thing by nursing her for 7 months.